Now, I have to admit, I’ve done some stupid things in my life, but nothing like this. This guy has got some big balls or he is a complete idiot.
Here’s the story....
D and I are waiting outside the mall entrance this afternoon to meet up with T and G for lunch at the food court. There are 2 sets of double doors at the entrance to this mall. 4 doors all together.
A beautiful woman walks up to the entrance with her husband pushing their kid in a stroller right behind her. At the same time a very good looking blonde lady walks up to the same entrance from a different direction but approaches the other set of double doors.
The wife opens what would be door #1 on the far left for her husband to push the stroller through. At the same time, the good looking blonde opens what would be door #3 on the other set of doors to the right and looks over at him.
This man is directly lined up with door #1 and is just feet away from being inside when he sees that the other woman was holding the door open and waiting for him to push the stroller in her door.
I understand that in most cases, important, life changing decisions have to be made in the blink of an eye. Some of these decisions can be very difficult to make and some come with experience and are very easy to make. This, my friends, was a very easy one to make and could have life altering effects on this man.
This man stops the stroller just feet away from the threshold of his wife’s door, shuffles his feet backwards, turned the stroller in the direction of the other woman and pushes his stroller out and around and into the door the other woman is holding open for him. All while his wife, still holding the first door open, watches him. As this man enters the door, he makes eye contact with this woman, smiles, and thanks her for holding the door!
This man actually STOPPED just FEET away from being intelligent. He’s a dead man walking. This man is so dead. How stupid can one be? His wife was standing there with the door WIDE open and he was right in front of it. He could have let go of the stroller and it would have rolled right in. But no! There stand a good looking blonde holding another door open and he took it. Actually had to back up! WITH HIS KID IN THE STROLLER! What an idiot.
Thursday, October 25, 2007
Friday, October 19, 2007
Snip, Snip
I got there 10 minutes early. I was ready. The waiting room was full. I thought for sure I was going to be a while. As I was signing in, the receptionist took my name, pulled my chart and told me to ‘come on back!’ Not sure what everyone else was waiting for, and I wasn’t going to ask. It IS a Urologists office after all.
As we are walking down the hallway, the cute 21ish ‘receptionist’ asks if I’m ready to do this. “I was ready years ago! Just never needed to get it done.” Now that I’m divorced, and don’t want anymore, I’d like to get it done.” “I see” she says.
She gets me into the room and asks if I have any questions, and then tells me to get undressed except I can leave my socks and shirt on, then get on the table and she’ll be back to get me ready.
I’m up on the table with the paper blanket over me for a matter of seconds, and she strolls back in and starts small talk with me as she is preparing the ‘tools’ for the doc. She stands next to me and says “ok - you ready to get this started?” “Lets get-er-done!”
She pulls the paper down off of me. As she does this, I like any other guy would, watch her face for the expression. (I do have an ego here, and she, I’m sure, has seen plenty, so I’m looking for the reaction.) No reaction. Nothing. No snicker, no raise of the eyebrow, nothing. My ego was neither crushed nor ballooned. I was disappointed I got nothing, but happy she didn’t express what I knew she did when she turned to the sink to get the sterilizing solution warmed up for me.
Seemed like she was taking forever at the sink. The room was cold and she actually mentioned that she was sorry that. “the doctor likes it cold like this.” Now I knew what was going on. I wanted to make reference to the shrinkage factor when cold becomes a factor, but I didn’t.
As she continues to take forever at the sink, she mentions she is trying to warm the water up for me, but it is not very warm. “Your killing me!” I say. “The room is cold enough and you got me naked over here, now your going to put cold water on me!? Your smashing my ego you know,” She laughs and says, “your fine. Really” She rubs the ‘site’ down and covers me up with a surgical ‘napkin’ and says she’ll be back in a few minutes with the doc and get this over with.
I wasn’t nervous. Uncomfortable maybe, but not nervous. They had a little radio in there playing some soothing Jazz music for me, so I just lay there trying to relax, waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
15 minutes later, an older nurse knocks and walks in. “Sorry, just passing thru real quick. Just got to clean some things up. So how was it? You doing ok?” “haven’t started yet.” I said. She says “you’re kidding!? You should be done already. When I get done here I’ll go get them for you.” “Thanks” I said. She starts up some other chit-chat and then after a few minutes leaves.
15 minutes later, ANOTHER older nurse knocks and walks in. “Don’t mind me” she says. “Just got to clean some things up and I’ll be out of your way” “Am I in the break room?” I ask. “She laughs and says “it would seem like it, wouldn’t it? This is the room with the sterilization in it.” “I see.” She asks me how it was and how I’m doing. “I’m a little cold laying here in my vulnerable state with this napkin over me waiting for the doc to come in and do his thing.” “He has not come in yet?” “nope” “well, I’ll go out there and see what’s going on and get him in here.” I say thanks and she takes another 5 minutes then leaves and says she will get the doc.
By this time, I am getting really tired of just laying there. I actually start to fall asleep. Here I am, naked, with a napkin over me, in a chilly room, falling asleep.
10 minutes later, (a total of 45 minutes now if your not keeping track) the first ‘older’ nurse comes in and says “so how did it go?” “No Doc yet” I said. “That’s crazy she says. After I finish here, I’ll go see what is going on.” Again, I ask about the ‘break room’ theory and start talking about jokes of the procedure and she chit-chats more about her husband and what he thought of the procedure and what not, then says she will go get the doc.
It has now been 1 full hour since the cute 21 yr old nurse left and said she would be “right back with the doc.” The cold room and vulnerable position I am in has taken its toll on the shrinkage factor. I’m starting to wonder if the procedure can even be done at this point. They’ll have to bring in a search and rescue team in first!
As I think this, the doc flings the door open and steps in with the 21 yr old right behind him. They are chatting something about some actress being cute or not. He says sorry it took so long. He was called in on an emergency surgery. “I’m never called in on emergencies, but I am the doctor on call this week, so I had to go.” “All good” I say. I wanted to ask what the emergency was but not only was he and the nurse in a deep conversation, but he is a urologist, so I really didn’t want to know.
They start the procedure and all goes well. All the while, he and the nurse are talking about Hollywood smut and cracking jokes. Kind of hard to stay still while laughing. After all, he does have a sharp knife and a pair of scissors inside my testicles. I really, really don’t want to move at all.
The doc sews me up and goes on his way like I am on an assembly line, and he has a quota to meet. I’m sure the emergency set him back a few patients. It is getting late and the clock is ticking. Crunch time!
The nurse covers me with a blanket, finally, and grabs a cold pack and laterally drops it on my boys. She DROPS IT! On purpose! Has she no compassion!? Has she no idea what that does? She obviously doesn’t have a pair and thinks that just because mine are still numb that it doesn’t matter. Well, I’m here to tell you, numb or not, IT MATTERS!
“Oh – that wasn’t good” I said. “Sorry about that” she says, “here’s your book, need anything else?” “Yeah – grab my phone for me please”. She hands me my phone and says she will be back in after about 20 minutes to check on me.
10 minutes later, she walks back in and says, “Ok – you ready to go?” “ya – right, I’m ready.” I said 100% jokingly. “ok. Get your close on and here is your ‘post-op’ instructions.” As she takes my ice pack off and stores it back in the freezer. “Are you kidding?” I say. She says, “Why” You not feeling ok?” “No, I’m fine, but it was my understanding that I was going to be here for at least 30 min. after the procedure.” She says, “yeah- but you look like your doing well, so you can go.” “It’s been 10 minutes!” “you can stay if you want” she says, “but you look good enough to go.”
By this time I knew what was going on and they obviously needed the room for the next lucky contestant. So I got dressed and was on my way, looking forward to the next visit in 8 weeks when I have to come back in and leave a deposit of junk to be tested to see if it worked. That will be good.
Stay tuned…
As we are walking down the hallway, the cute 21ish ‘receptionist’ asks if I’m ready to do this. “I was ready years ago! Just never needed to get it done.” Now that I’m divorced, and don’t want anymore, I’d like to get it done.” “I see” she says.
She gets me into the room and asks if I have any questions, and then tells me to get undressed except I can leave my socks and shirt on, then get on the table and she’ll be back to get me ready.
I’m up on the table with the paper blanket over me for a matter of seconds, and she strolls back in and starts small talk with me as she is preparing the ‘tools’ for the doc. She stands next to me and says “ok - you ready to get this started?” “Lets get-er-done!”
She pulls the paper down off of me. As she does this, I like any other guy would, watch her face for the expression. (I do have an ego here, and she, I’m sure, has seen plenty, so I’m looking for the reaction.) No reaction. Nothing. No snicker, no raise of the eyebrow, nothing. My ego was neither crushed nor ballooned. I was disappointed I got nothing, but happy she didn’t express what I knew she did when she turned to the sink to get the sterilizing solution warmed up for me.
Seemed like she was taking forever at the sink. The room was cold and she actually mentioned that she was sorry that. “the doctor likes it cold like this.” Now I knew what was going on. I wanted to make reference to the shrinkage factor when cold becomes a factor, but I didn’t.
As she continues to take forever at the sink, she mentions she is trying to warm the water up for me, but it is not very warm. “Your killing me!” I say. “The room is cold enough and you got me naked over here, now your going to put cold water on me!? Your smashing my ego you know,” She laughs and says, “your fine. Really” She rubs the ‘site’ down and covers me up with a surgical ‘napkin’ and says she’ll be back in a few minutes with the doc and get this over with.
I wasn’t nervous. Uncomfortable maybe, but not nervous. They had a little radio in there playing some soothing Jazz music for me, so I just lay there trying to relax, waiting. And waiting. And waiting.
15 minutes later, an older nurse knocks and walks in. “Sorry, just passing thru real quick. Just got to clean some things up. So how was it? You doing ok?” “haven’t started yet.” I said. She says “you’re kidding!? You should be done already. When I get done here I’ll go get them for you.” “Thanks” I said. She starts up some other chit-chat and then after a few minutes leaves.
15 minutes later, ANOTHER older nurse knocks and walks in. “Don’t mind me” she says. “Just got to clean some things up and I’ll be out of your way” “Am I in the break room?” I ask. “She laughs and says “it would seem like it, wouldn’t it? This is the room with the sterilization in it.” “I see.” She asks me how it was and how I’m doing. “I’m a little cold laying here in my vulnerable state with this napkin over me waiting for the doc to come in and do his thing.” “He has not come in yet?” “nope” “well, I’ll go out there and see what’s going on and get him in here.” I say thanks and she takes another 5 minutes then leaves and says she will get the doc.
By this time, I am getting really tired of just laying there. I actually start to fall asleep. Here I am, naked, with a napkin over me, in a chilly room, falling asleep.
10 minutes later, (a total of 45 minutes now if your not keeping track) the first ‘older’ nurse comes in and says “so how did it go?” “No Doc yet” I said. “That’s crazy she says. After I finish here, I’ll go see what is going on.” Again, I ask about the ‘break room’ theory and start talking about jokes of the procedure and she chit-chats more about her husband and what he thought of the procedure and what not, then says she will go get the doc.
It has now been 1 full hour since the cute 21 yr old nurse left and said she would be “right back with the doc.” The cold room and vulnerable position I am in has taken its toll on the shrinkage factor. I’m starting to wonder if the procedure can even be done at this point. They’ll have to bring in a search and rescue team in first!
As I think this, the doc flings the door open and steps in with the 21 yr old right behind him. They are chatting something about some actress being cute or not. He says sorry it took so long. He was called in on an emergency surgery. “I’m never called in on emergencies, but I am the doctor on call this week, so I had to go.” “All good” I say. I wanted to ask what the emergency was but not only was he and the nurse in a deep conversation, but he is a urologist, so I really didn’t want to know.
They start the procedure and all goes well. All the while, he and the nurse are talking about Hollywood smut and cracking jokes. Kind of hard to stay still while laughing. After all, he does have a sharp knife and a pair of scissors inside my testicles. I really, really don’t want to move at all.
The doc sews me up and goes on his way like I am on an assembly line, and he has a quota to meet. I’m sure the emergency set him back a few patients. It is getting late and the clock is ticking. Crunch time!
The nurse covers me with a blanket, finally, and grabs a cold pack and laterally drops it on my boys. She DROPS IT! On purpose! Has she no compassion!? Has she no idea what that does? She obviously doesn’t have a pair and thinks that just because mine are still numb that it doesn’t matter. Well, I’m here to tell you, numb or not, IT MATTERS!
“Oh – that wasn’t good” I said. “Sorry about that” she says, “here’s your book, need anything else?” “Yeah – grab my phone for me please”. She hands me my phone and says she will be back in after about 20 minutes to check on me.
10 minutes later, she walks back in and says, “Ok – you ready to go?” “ya – right, I’m ready.” I said 100% jokingly. “ok. Get your close on and here is your ‘post-op’ instructions.” As she takes my ice pack off and stores it back in the freezer. “Are you kidding?” I say. She says, “Why” You not feeling ok?” “No, I’m fine, but it was my understanding that I was going to be here for at least 30 min. after the procedure.” She says, “yeah- but you look like your doing well, so you can go.” “It’s been 10 minutes!” “you can stay if you want” she says, “but you look good enough to go.”
By this time I knew what was going on and they obviously needed the room for the next lucky contestant. So I got dressed and was on my way, looking forward to the next visit in 8 weeks when I have to come back in and leave a deposit of junk to be tested to see if it worked. That will be good.
Stay tuned…
Wednesday, July 11, 2007
The shot of a lifetime.
I went golfing over the weekend with my 14 year old son Jordan, my brother, Terry and his brother-in-law, Wayne. Here is a recap of the only event that afternoon worth mentioning.
Back 9, 18th hole. 147 yard, Par 3. Last hole of the round.
I’m first in my group to attempt to hit the ball. That’s right, attempt. That’s how good my game was going that day.
I grab my 6 iron. Now, for those that don’t know what this means…if I was any good, a 6 iron should carry my ball about 160-170 yards. And with this shot, I should be using an 8 (130-140 yds) maybe even a 7 iron (140-150 yds). No, I need to use a 6.
I stepped up on the tee box. Set my ball a little higher on the tee than I normally do. Just to get it up in the air a little higher. I figured I would not use all of my 6 iron so I could have better control.
I lined up my feet to the pin, set up the club on the ball and took a deep breath. Looked down the fairway to the pin one last time. Brought my club back and watched the club hit the ball. The hit felt good. I really got the ball on the sweet spot on the club. The ball went sailing down the fairway.
As I watched the ball fly, it wasn’t turning to the right in mid air like it normally does. It was actually going straight! Straight to the flag! The longer I watched it, the farther it seemed to be going. I mean, farther than I normally would have hit it. I must have really gotten a hold of it on the ‘sweet spot’ of the club.
As the ball came down, I seen it hit right in front of the green in line with the flag and bounce up. That was the last I seen of it. It must have gone behind the green. I grab my tee and as I walk off, I ask if anyone seen where it went. Wayne says he thought it went in the hole. Jordan says he heard a noise like it hit the flag. Terry wasn’t sure where it went. Wayne again, tries to assure me it went in the hole. ‘I’m pretty sure you just got a hole in one!” he says. “Don’t do that to me Wayne. Not cool at all!”
As they finish up, Wayne keeps telling me he is pretty sure it went in. We walk down the fairway and I am patiently waiting for the others to finally hit their balls up to the green so I can go look for mine.
As I get to the green, I start looking towards the back of the green by the parking lot for my ball. Nothing. I scan the surrounding rough grass and fringe. Nothing. I continue to look around as I walk up to the flag. Still I see nothing. As I get closer, I see the back side of the inside of the hole behind the flag pole, and no ball. I get up to the hole and look directly in and there sits my ball in the front side of the hole. A hole in one!
I did it. I actually got a hole in one. Un-freaking-believable! My game was over. Didn’t need to get my pitching wedge out. Didn’t need to get my putter out. Didn’t get the disappointment of getting another double boogey on a par 3. I got an eagle! First ever!
So now, I have 2 choices.
1- Hang up the clubs. I’ve done what most will never do in their life time.
2- Keep trying to get another one to see if any skill was involved.
I think I will choose the later. What, am I crazy!? Of course I am. I can’t quit golf! Are you kidding me? Never. I could get a hole in one on every hole and not quit golf. It may get boring, but I’m not quitting!
Back 9, 18th hole. 147 yard, Par 3. Last hole of the round.
I’m first in my group to attempt to hit the ball. That’s right, attempt. That’s how good my game was going that day.
I grab my 6 iron. Now, for those that don’t know what this means…if I was any good, a 6 iron should carry my ball about 160-170 yards. And with this shot, I should be using an 8 (130-140 yds) maybe even a 7 iron (140-150 yds). No, I need to use a 6.
I stepped up on the tee box. Set my ball a little higher on the tee than I normally do. Just to get it up in the air a little higher. I figured I would not use all of my 6 iron so I could have better control.
I lined up my feet to the pin, set up the club on the ball and took a deep breath. Looked down the fairway to the pin one last time. Brought my club back and watched the club hit the ball. The hit felt good. I really got the ball on the sweet spot on the club. The ball went sailing down the fairway.
As I watched the ball fly, it wasn’t turning to the right in mid air like it normally does. It was actually going straight! Straight to the flag! The longer I watched it, the farther it seemed to be going. I mean, farther than I normally would have hit it. I must have really gotten a hold of it on the ‘sweet spot’ of the club.
As the ball came down, I seen it hit right in front of the green in line with the flag and bounce up. That was the last I seen of it. It must have gone behind the green. I grab my tee and as I walk off, I ask if anyone seen where it went. Wayne says he thought it went in the hole. Jordan says he heard a noise like it hit the flag. Terry wasn’t sure where it went. Wayne again, tries to assure me it went in the hole. ‘I’m pretty sure you just got a hole in one!” he says. “Don’t do that to me Wayne. Not cool at all!”
As they finish up, Wayne keeps telling me he is pretty sure it went in. We walk down the fairway and I am patiently waiting for the others to finally hit their balls up to the green so I can go look for mine.
As I get to the green, I start looking towards the back of the green by the parking lot for my ball. Nothing. I scan the surrounding rough grass and fringe. Nothing. I continue to look around as I walk up to the flag. Still I see nothing. As I get closer, I see the back side of the inside of the hole behind the flag pole, and no ball. I get up to the hole and look directly in and there sits my ball in the front side of the hole. A hole in one!
I did it. I actually got a hole in one. Un-freaking-believable! My game was over. Didn’t need to get my pitching wedge out. Didn’t need to get my putter out. Didn’t get the disappointment of getting another double boogey on a par 3. I got an eagle! First ever!
So now, I have 2 choices.
1- Hang up the clubs. I’ve done what most will never do in their life time.
2- Keep trying to get another one to see if any skill was involved.
I think I will choose the later. What, am I crazy!? Of course I am. I can’t quit golf! Are you kidding me? Never. I could get a hole in one on every hole and not quit golf. It may get boring, but I’m not quitting!
Thursday, July 5, 2007
I have a dream....
What a fun time the forth of July is. Parades, BBQ’s, beers, ice cream, and fireworks. Love the fireworks (and the beer of course). Crowds of people gathering and the many different locations to let off and watch fireworks. Amazing how they get the different colors and shapes to the explosions that are ignited at the beginning of the fuse in each firework we light.
The symbolism of these fireworks are of the rockets and bombs that burst in the air used to fight for our freedom here in the U.S. That’s not to say that is where they are originated from, but it symbolizes defending our country. Very patriotic for a day we celebrate our independence on.
That brings me to my point. The day that we celebrate our independence on.
Now, I’m just as patriotic as the next guy. I’ve hit the parades, ate the hot dogs and burgers, drank the beers, (love the beers), ate the ice cream and done the fireworks with the kids until midnight. Good times. But getting up to go to work the next day is a bitch! Why the hell are we up going full speed 8 hours before we are supposed to be to work? That really sucks! We should be up ALL night celebrating! Letting off fireworks! Getting drunk! Playing card games! Cooking up Brats! Not trying to get to bed so we aren’t dragging ass the next day at work.
Of course this only applies to the forth landing on a week day, Sun-Thur. as apposed to the weekend, Fri-Sat. Because I work blue collar white man hours, Mon-Fri. (see disclaimer).
We have other holidays that we celebrate the night before, so why not the forth? New years day is celebrated right at midnight. Christmas is celebrated in the early morning hours. Not to mention Santa Clauses visit the night before. So why not have the celebration of our independence be celebrated on the very beginning minute on the forth of July? That’s right…12:00 am, July forth!
This can’t be that big of a deal can it? I mean, we are still celebrating on the forth. Just doing it at a different time of the day. This way, we can work all day, get home with the family, load them up in the wagon, and pick that nice spot in the park to watch the fireworks at 10pm, ON THE 3RD, until 10:30ish or so, then go be home and ready to do your own firework show at midnight! Stay up all night with the kids/adults and party your brains out until the wee hours of the morning. Spend all day the 4th recovering, and be ready to hit the keyboard first thing on the 5th.
Not too much to ask is it?
Lets all band together. Spread the word, and get this in the works for next year! (even though it’s on Friday in 2008, we can still do it on the 3rd, Right?)
Thanks for your support!
-L
The symbolism of these fireworks are of the rockets and bombs that burst in the air used to fight for our freedom here in the U.S. That’s not to say that is where they are originated from, but it symbolizes defending our country. Very patriotic for a day we celebrate our independence on.
That brings me to my point. The day that we celebrate our independence on.
Now, I’m just as patriotic as the next guy. I’ve hit the parades, ate the hot dogs and burgers, drank the beers, (love the beers), ate the ice cream and done the fireworks with the kids until midnight. Good times. But getting up to go to work the next day is a bitch! Why the hell are we up going full speed 8 hours before we are supposed to be to work? That really sucks! We should be up ALL night celebrating! Letting off fireworks! Getting drunk! Playing card games! Cooking up Brats! Not trying to get to bed so we aren’t dragging ass the next day at work.
Of course this only applies to the forth landing on a week day, Sun-Thur. as apposed to the weekend, Fri-Sat. Because I work blue collar white man hours, Mon-Fri. (see disclaimer).
We have other holidays that we celebrate the night before, so why not the forth? New years day is celebrated right at midnight. Christmas is celebrated in the early morning hours. Not to mention Santa Clauses visit the night before. So why not have the celebration of our independence be celebrated on the very beginning minute on the forth of July? That’s right…12:00 am, July forth!
This can’t be that big of a deal can it? I mean, we are still celebrating on the forth. Just doing it at a different time of the day. This way, we can work all day, get home with the family, load them up in the wagon, and pick that nice spot in the park to watch the fireworks at 10pm, ON THE 3RD, until 10:30ish or so, then go be home and ready to do your own firework show at midnight! Stay up all night with the kids/adults and party your brains out until the wee hours of the morning. Spend all day the 4th recovering, and be ready to hit the keyboard first thing on the 5th.
Not too much to ask is it?
Lets all band together. Spread the word, and get this in the works for next year! (even though it’s on Friday in 2008, we can still do it on the 3rd, Right?)
Thanks for your support!
-L
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