Snip, Snip

I got there 10 minutes early. I was ready. The waiting room was full. I thought for sure I was going to be a while. As I was signing in, the receptionist took my name, pulled my chart and told me to ‘come on back!’ Not sure what everyone else was waiting for, and I wasn’t going to ask. It IS a Urologists office after all.

As we are walking down the hallway, the cute 21ish ‘receptionist’ asks if I’m ready to do this. “I was ready years ago! Just never needed to get it done.” Now that I’m divorced, and don’t want anymore, I’d like to get it done.” “I see” she says.

She gets me into the room and asks if I have any questions, and then tells me to get undressed except I can leave my socks and shirt on, then get on the table and she’ll be back to get me ready.

I’m up on the table with the paper blanket over me for a matter of seconds, and she strolls back in and starts small talk with me as she is preparing the ‘tools’ for the doc. She stands next to me and says “ok - you ready to get this started?” “Lets get-er-done!”

She pulls the paper down off of me. As she does this, I like any other guy would, watch her face for the expression. (I do have an ego here, and she, I’m sure, has seen plenty, so I’m looking for the reaction.) No reaction. Nothing. No snicker, no raise of the eyebrow, nothing. My ego was neither crushed nor ballooned. I was disappointed I got nothing, but happy she didn’t express what I knew she did when she turned to the sink to get the sterilizing solution warmed up for me.

Seemed like she was taking forever at the sink. The room was cold and she actually mentioned that she was sorry that. “the doctor likes it cold like this.” Now I knew what was going on. I wanted to make reference to the shrinkage factor when cold becomes a factor, but I didn’t.

As she continues to take forever at the sink, she mentions she is trying to warm the water up for me, but it is not very warm. “Your killing me!” I say. “The room is cold enough and you got me naked over here, now your going to put cold water on me!? Your smashing my ego you know,” She laughs and says, “your fine. Really” She rubs the ‘site’ down and covers me up with a surgical ‘napkin’ and says she’ll be back in a few minutes with the doc and get this over with.

I wasn’t nervous. Uncomfortable maybe, but not nervous. They had a little radio in there playing some soothing Jazz music for me, so I just lay there trying to relax, waiting. And waiting. And waiting.

15 minutes later, an older nurse knocks and walks in. “Sorry, just passing thru real quick. Just got to clean some things up. So how was it? You doing ok?” “haven’t started yet.” I said. She says “you’re kidding!? You should be done already. When I get done here I’ll go get them for you.” “Thanks” I said. She starts up some other chit-chat and then after a few minutes leaves.

15 minutes later, ANOTHER older nurse knocks and walks in. “Don’t mind me” she says. “Just got to clean some things up and I’ll be out of your way” “Am I in the break room?” I ask. “She laughs and says “it would seem like it, wouldn’t it? This is the room with the sterilization in it.” “I see.” She asks me how it was and how I’m doing. “I’m a little cold laying here in my vulnerable state with this napkin over me waiting for the doc to come in and do his thing.” “He has not come in yet?” “nope” “well, I’ll go out there and see what’s going on and get him in here.” I say thanks and she takes another 5 minutes then leaves and says she will get the doc.

By this time, I am getting really tired of just laying there. I actually start to fall asleep. Here I am, naked, with a napkin over me, in a chilly room, falling asleep.

10 minutes later, (a total of 45 minutes now if your not keeping track) the first ‘older’ nurse comes in and says “so how did it go?” “No Doc yet” I said. “That’s crazy she says. After I finish here, I’ll go see what is going on.” Again, I ask about the ‘break room’ theory and start talking about jokes of the procedure and she chit-chats more about her husband and what he thought of the procedure and what not, then says she will go get the doc.

It has now been 1 full hour since the cute 21 yr old nurse left and said she would be “right back with the doc.” The cold room and vulnerable position I am in has taken its toll on the shrinkage factor. I’m starting to wonder if the procedure can even be done at this point. They’ll have to bring in a search and rescue team in first!

As I think this, the doc flings the door open and steps in with the 21 yr old right behind him. They are chatting something about some actress being cute or not. He says sorry it took so long. He was called in on an emergency surgery. “I’m never called in on emergencies, but I am the doctor on call this week, so I had to go.” “All good” I say. I wanted to ask what the emergency was but not only was he and the nurse in a deep conversation, but he is a urologist, so I really didn’t want to know.

They start the procedure and all goes well. All the while, he and the nurse are talking about Hollywood smut and cracking jokes. Kind of hard to stay still while laughing. After all, he does have a sharp knife and a pair of scissors inside my testicles. I really, really don’t want to move at all.

The doc sews me up and goes on his way like I am on an assembly line, and he has a quota to meet. I’m sure the emergency set him back a few patients. It is getting late and the clock is ticking. Crunch time!

The nurse covers me with a blanket, finally, and grabs a cold pack and laterally drops it on my boys. She DROPS IT! On purpose! Has she no compassion!? Has she no idea what that does? She obviously doesn’t have a pair and thinks that just because mine are still numb that it doesn’t matter. Well, I’m here to tell you, numb or not, IT MATTERS!

“Oh – that wasn’t good” I said. “Sorry about that” she says, “here’s your book, need anything else?” “Yeah – grab my phone for me please”. She hands me my phone and says she will be back in after about 20 minutes to check on me.

10 minutes later, she walks back in and says, “Ok – you ready to go?” “ya – right, I’m ready.” I said 100% jokingly. “ok. Get your close on and here is your ‘post-op’ instructions.” As she takes my ice pack off and stores it back in the freezer. “Are you kidding?” I say. She says, “Why” You not feeling ok?” “No, I’m fine, but it was my understanding that I was going to be here for at least 30 min. after the procedure.” She says, “yeah- but you look like your doing well, so you can go.” “It’s been 10 minutes!” “you can stay if you want” she says, “but you look good enough to go.”

By this time I knew what was going on and they obviously needed the room for the next lucky contestant. So I got dressed and was on my way, looking forward to the next visit in 8 weeks when I have to come back in and leave a deposit of junk to be tested to see if it worked. That will be good.

Stay tuned…