2 seconds dude...Just 2 seconds!!!!

I'M BACK!!!! Sorry It's been so long. TONS have happend in the past few months and things are settling back down to where I can write again. I'll do my best to keep up on this with a couple of stories a month for ya for now then maybe more later. During my hiatis, I've managed to have a few things happen that are worth blogging about. Here's one of them...enjoy!



My 15 yr old son got on this kick of wanting to make some salsa. He got on the interntet and found a bunch of recipies and was totally stoked about making it. So the following weekend, while out grocery shopping, we picked up all the fixins for the salsa except habaneros. The Wal-Mart we were at didn't carry them. So, we stop by the smiths and they didn't carry them either. Well, after that, we went home and dropped off the groceries and headed out again to find some. We stopped at 3 other grocery stores this Sunday afternnon looking for habeneros and nobody in the area had any. Nobody!!! I needed a Mexican market and the only one I could think of was about 5 miles away in our old neighborhood. After our 20 minute drive to this market we pull in and it is packed. I find a parking spot and pull in. As I'm pulling into this spot, my son farts. He rips ass in the car just before were getting out! What a dumb shit! 'That stink is going to sit and ferment in the car with the sun beating down on it until we get back! Couldn't you wait 2 seconds to get out of the car BEFORE you shit yourself! Fuck!' As fast as I can to avoid the stink, I pop the sun roof open just enough for air to get out, roll up all the windows tight, unplug my IPOD and stash it, unplug my cell phone and get out of the car, hit the door locks button close the door. 'I can't believe you just did that!' I told him. 'Just 2 seconds dude! Shit! You could have waited!' He laughs and off in the store we go. It's packed with people and loud Mexican music like were in some kind of Mexican club or something. Really crazy. We spend maybe 15 min in the store and we are out. As we are walking to the car, I'm searching for my keys. Nothing. Left pocket, right pocket, back pockets....nothing. 'You got my keys Jordan?' 'Nope' he says. Shit! I try the door and sure enough it's locked. I look inside on the seats and no keys. I look at the ignition and sure enough, there they are, hanging, looking at me...laughing at me. 'FUCK!' What to do?....What to do?....I notice my sunroof is open just enough for a finger to slide in, maybe I can get a wire hanger in there and hit the unlock button on the door with it. I first call the nearest person I now...my ex-father-in-law. 'Hey, you busy? I locked my keys in the car and I'm just up the street for you, can you run a wire hanger to me?' After he stops laughing, he manages to say, 'we don't have wire hangers.' then continues on with his laughing. He manages to settle down and we get done talking about suggestions and hang up. I decide to walk over to 'big lots' next door and buy a wire hanger. Jordan and I spend maybe 20 minutes looking around the small store for wire hangers then finally ask a worker where they are at. 'We don't carry wire hangers sir.' 'FUCK!' Since we were in the hardware area of the store I'm looking for something, ANYTHNG that will work. Jordan mentions he 'KNOWS' his window is down a couple of inches. He 'swears' it is. I said, 'no way. I made sure the windows were up! Look at the neighborhood were in! Full of crime here. No way am I going to leave my window down here! I'd be lucky if my tires were still on the car when we get back from buying something to unlock the door!' I end up buying a $3 mini-magnet on a flexible wire that will fit in the window he says is down and unlock it from there. It's only about 18" long. Just long enough to stick in the window and go straight down to the door lock button, then were in! We get back to the car and sure enough, the window is up tighter than a nats ass. I need a wire hanger. Just then, a Mexican pulls up and parks in the spot in front of me. He and his wife get out and he approaches my car. 'Jew lock jur keys n jur car?' he says. 'Yep.' I say. As he walks around the front of my car he hesitates and puts his hand on the hood of my car and says, 'zit runnin?' 'What?' I ask. 'Jur car...zit runnin?' 'Is my car running? No, it's the van next to us with the people in it. My car is not running.' I say. 'No' he says, 'Zits runnin! Feel it!' I put my hand on the hood and sure enough, I can feel the vibration of the engine. I put my ear to the hood just to make sure and sure enough...zits runnin! 'FUCK!' I've spent 15 minutes in the mexi-mart, another 15 on the phone with me ex-father-in-law, another 20 + in the store looking for a hanger, and now another 10 trying to get in! All in this crime infested Mexican neighborhood! FUCK FUCK FUCK! Now time is of the essence here. I call the next closest person I know. M. She has TONS of wire hangers. 'Hey, you busy? I have a little dilemma here.' I give her the rundown and after she stops laughing and calling me an idiot, she says she'll be right down with a wire hanger. 10 minutes later she shows up with the wire hanger she almost forgot to bring because she was in such a hurry to get out the door for me. 'THAT would have been just fantastic!' I said. 'Just my luck right now. Shit!' I straighten out the hanger and stick it through the sunroof and down to the door lock button. I stick the hanger in as far as it will go and my fingers through the little opening in the sun roof and the hanger is an inch away from the button. 'FUCK!' It don't reach. Shit! M says, 'give me that hanger! I got thin long fingers.' She lays down on the top of my car and sticks the hanger and her long fingers through the sun roof, and in seconds, hits the unlock button. 'You're my hero!' I say. 'I know,' she says, 'and you're my idiot.' 'I know.' 'Keep the hanger.' she says, 'you may need it again! hahah' 'Fuck off!' I say. The moral of the story here is don't shit yourself IN the car. Wait 2 seconds to get out and everything will be just fine. FUCK!