I hear the tequila inside me say....

My 30th B-day party was quite the bash…

The day started out on the golf course where 8 of us gathered together for a morning round of cigars, beer and golf. 9am, out on the 3rd hole I shank 3 balls in the river. Not good. 5th hole, lost 2 more out of bounds. 6th hole, lost another out of bounds. 9th hole – a 400+ yrd straight shot and I kill it! Best hit of the day. Straight down the fairway, less than 100 yrds from the green with a clean shot ahead. My second shot, I kill it! Fantastic shot…30+ yds past the green. Shit! Didn’t get any better on the green either.

The best thing about that round of golf was hanging out with the guys, smoking the stogies. We all gathered at Todd's house (yes, his name has been changed to protect the innocent), later that night for a beer tasting contest. The fee to get into the party was a 6 pack of unique beer. We must have had at least 20 different types of beer there. Not to mention all the liquor for the non beer drinkers. (aka 'White Bread')

The BBQ lemon pepper chicken and steaks Todd and his wife made were to die for.

As the night moved on, we were all getting our lips on the different kinds of beer we had to prepare for the test. We had a lot of studying to do before the final exam just hours away. We all continued to kick the beers back and smoking on stogies all night.

Then – the testing began. My turn came up, and I knew I had this in the bag. I grab the first cup. Knock it back, and swish it around. Then the second…third, forth, I knew what all six of them were. That was a lot easier than I thought. I grab my cigar and my beer and stroll back out to the back yard as the next contestant strolled in. I was counting on winning the main prize. (whatever it was.)

Finally, after what seemed to be hours of deliberation, the results of the test were released. The little 22 yr old girl that don’t drink very much and don’t smoke cigars had all 6 right!
There's going to be a tie between me and her! I just knew it.

Now, I don’t remember if anyone else got all 6 right. I just remember I didn’t. I got a whopping zero! None if them! I was shocked. I wanted a recount. Maybe they screwed up my ballot. I didn’t leave any hanging chads. How could this be!?

Oh-well, where’s the leftover beer, I’ll drink it!

It was starting to get pretty late. The party was still in full swing. I go down to the bar and White-Bread offers up a shot of tequila. He and my wife (now ex-wife ladies) strong armed me into having one. I fought vigorously for several seconds, then the pressure got to me. I sent the rest of my beer down and grabed the shot. We all kick em back and mine went down very fast. I don’t really like tequila so I don’t drink it. Ever. And the events that came about shortly after reminded me as to why I don’t like it.

Just as fast as the shot went down, I felt it coming back up. I set the shot glass down and started scrolling through my mental notes as to where the bathroom was. ‘Just to the left in the hall’ I thought. As I turn to run, I realize there is a sink in the kitchenette that is much, much closer. However, this sick is behind to ladies who are engaged in conversation and oblivious to the fight that is going on inside me. I have to make a choice. The bathroom – nearly 20 feet away, or split the ladies and hit the sink a mere 5 feet away.

I hear the tequila inside me say, ‘The sink!’. Off I go to the sink. As I head in that direction (again, a mere 5 feet away mind you) I speak very politely to the ladies, ‘excuse me please.’ They both take a step back as I approach and it was a good thing they did, because the tequila thought that me saying 'excuse me' was the secret code for ‘ok – it’s clear! You can come out now!’ I had barely got to the ladies, still at least 3 feet from the sink when the tequila/beer/cake/chicken all started its journey out of me, thru the air, past the ladies and into the sink. I see the two ladies do what Keanu Reeves did in the Matrix. I was very impressed. I don't think they were.

I was told that one of them was about to put a chip in her mouth just as I had done this. After I parted them, she politely set the chip back down in the bowl and walked away. Literally with not facial expression at all. (maybe this is funny only to those of us that were there....)

About 2 minutes later, after the laughter somewhat started to settle, someone herded me into the bathroom and sat me in front of the toilet, where I continued my praying. It felt like days. Weeks, months. Holy crap I felt like shit.

After I picked up my stomach and some of my lungs off the rim of the porcelain God, I realized I had a mess to clean up in the sink. I wobble my way out there, and Todd had his bio hazard suit on and my mess nearly cleaned up. I said ‘sorry buddy, I can do that’ and he looked at me with the eyes of death and said, ‘I got it man, don’t worry about it’. But his eyes…they told a different story. One like..’you are never coming over to my house again you drunk bastard!’ I’m sure he will tell you different, but I felt so bad.

After that, I don’t remember a damn thing. I have no recollection of getting home or the entire next day. I all remember is everyone saying, ‘It’s not a party until Larmus pukes!’

All in all, I think it was a great party and I would like to thank those that cleaned up after me when I obviously couldn't. And I apologize for all that.

Party on!