Gambling

Ya, I live in Utah.  It’s a great state to live in if you enjoy outdoor activities.  The liquor laws kinda suck, but you CAN get a drink here. It’s not as bad as it sounds. However, there is no gambling.  Any form of it is illegal. The mormons here have really done what they can to put the kibosh on all of it. So, we do what we can here on our own to get our little fix of it.  I do anyways.

I’ve been doing office pools for nearly 10 years now, and getting people of ‘the faith’ to participate is always a goal of mine. And most of the time it works, however, it’s not easy.

For the Super Bowl one year, I wanted to put together a $5 board.  This consisted of 100 squares that I needed to sell for $5 each.  Some people would buy 2 or even 4 squares.  Selling more than half the board was not very difficult.  But the other half was always a different story.  So this particular year, I changed the cost of the squares from $5 down to only $1.  A freakin buck!  Shouldn’t be that hard should it.  No!  But it was…

I was down to only a couple more squares to sell and had to get it done by the end of the day because the game was that weekend. I hit up Lincoln to buy a square and he says he can’t.  It’s against his religion.  I can respect that.  At least for a few minutes.  I move on asking the next person, then the next, then the next….c’mon people!  What’s the big deal?  It’s ONLY a buck!  Shit!  So as the day is nearing its end, I’m making a final round around the office to catch anyone I may have missed.  I see 3 engineers standing around talking amongst themselves.  One of which is Lincoln.  Lincoln, mind you, is one of the kindest people I’ve ever met.  He’d give you anything you needed if he had it.  So, I use this to my advantage…I butt in….

            ‘Anyone have a buck?’ I ask.

           

            ‘Ya, sure. I do!’ Lincoln says, as the others stopped reaching for the wallets. My plan is already working.  That was WAY to easy.

 

            Lincoln hands the buck over and I whip out my paper and pen and turn around and walk away saying, ‘Thanks.  I’ll put you down for one square and that fills the board up!’

 

            ‘No no no no no no.’ He says, chasing after me.

 

            ‘Sorry, too late.  You’re in!  And if you don’t want your winnings, I’ll take em!’

 

            ‘Ok’ he says, ‘Keep me in, but don’t put my name on the board.  Put something else.  I don’t want people to think I’m a “gambler”’.  ‘Dude’ I say, ‘I won’t tell your bishop if you don’t.’

           

Ya, I know I’m bad.  He didn’t end up winning anything either.  Sucks to be him!  Hahaha

 

Here’s one that got lucky!

James was one of those mormons that WANTED to be in on the gambling, but wouldn’t because he would get in trouble from his wife.  He actually used the excuse on me…’I never win with these things anyway.’ 

 

I asked, ‘Really?  How many times have you played?’

 

 ‘None.’  He reluctantly said. 

 

‘James…buddy…pal.  How would you expect to win if you don’t ever play?…c’mon.  I mean really.  It’s only 5 bucks.’

 

‘Na, I really shouldn’t.  It’s a waste of my money.  I won’t win.’

 

At this point, with only a couple of squares left to sell and James in front of me, wanting to play, but just too chicken shit to say it. My will to ‘convert’ him to gambling on my board was overwhelming. I had to turn to drastic measures... 

 

            ‘I’ll tell you what James.  I’ve never done this before, but I will just for you.  I’ll personally guarantee that you win.  If you don’t win anything, I’ll refund your 5 bucks back to you.  Right there you’ve already won.  You get to play without the risk of loosing your money.  And if you win, you keep all of it.’

Still, he was reluctant to play, but finally, after much coaxing from some other people, he finally gave in and played.

After the game was over, and I was checking the winners, I found that James had won!  He won the final score prize.  This was like $300!  Un-freakin-believeable!  Monday, he came to me, first thing, wanting to know if he read the board correctly, because he thought he had won.  And sure enough, he did.  D and I told him that since he won, he needed to bring in dounts and muffins for everyone in the office.   He was cool enough to oblige. 

And you know…being this ‘bookie’ that I am, I’ve learned that I have to make sure my numbers are right BEFORE I pay the cash out to the winners. 

Case and point:

I had added up the scores and got the winners for the World Series one year.  Sent out the email to the winners with all the scores so they could add up the scores themselves and see that I wasn’t screwing anyone over and that I was on the up and up.  Cuz these mormons here really need to watch every penny they get, because they’re already giving 10% of their income to their church and don’t want anymore of it slipping away.  But don’t get me started on that one….

I took the cash in hand and walked over to Rob, who won only $5.  Then over to a few others that won a little here and there, then up to Jeff who won $250.  I congratulated him on the big win (that he didn’t even know about) then went back to my desk.  A few min. later, one of the guys in the office said I had my numbers wrong. 

 

            ‘What?’ I said

 

            ‘Ya, you got your numbers wrong.  It was 5 to 3 in the 3^rd game, not 5 to 4.’

 

            ‘You sure?’

 

‘Well yeah.’ He said.

 

‘I’ll double check.’

 

Sure enough, he was right.  This changed EVERYTHING!  I had to go back and recalculate all the numbers then check all the winners again.  After all was said and done, Jeff, the guy that one the big prize, didn’t win a thing, and Rob, the guy that one the smallest amount, won the biggest amount. Go figure.

I couldn’t get out of my seat fast enough to get over to Jeff’s desk before he took off with the cash, but at the same time, I didn’t want to break the news to him that he had lost.  That’s got to be the worst ever.  To have a bunch of cash put in your hands saying that it’s yours, then to only have it stripped away 15 minutes later because sum knuckle head bookie can’t get it right!  Thank God he was a good sport about it and I didn’t have any problems getting it back from him. 

 Needles to say, Rob was pretty stoked about the whole mishap. He bought us breakfast the next morning and all was good.

 I haven’t done a whole lot of boards since then.  I’ve changed jobs a couple times and need to build up the clients again.  So, in the mean time, I’ll just golf.  And have been lately.  In fact, I’ve joined the golf league at work and have played a few games.  Got some stories there I could publish here as well.  Stay tuned!

This one is from the heart

Ya know, sometimes I just roll with things the way they are and don’t question them. Usually because it seems self explanatory and I don’t need to question it. But other times, things seem so unclear that I need to question it and get an explanation. For example…If someone has ‘All their shit in one sock’ it means that they really have it together. They know what they are talking about. ( ie. ‘Todd’s got his shit in one sock.’) Or, something that needs explanation… ‘Mikes got the dizzle with the wizzle on the izzle’. I have know idea what I just said…could someone enlighten me?
Well, I just found something out that I was unclear about but really never cared too much about it to ask (or Google) anyone what it meant. It’s an ‘emotioncon’. Ya, those little keyboard characters that in certain sequence appear to be certain things if viewed the correct way. Ie. : ) The ‘colon’ and the right parentheses appear to be a smiley face if viewed from the right, meant to show that your comments are not too serious or you are joking. These come in many different shapes and sizes as most of you know. However, one came across my computer screen one day that I had no idea what it was. Here it is.

<3

Now, I don’t know what you see here, but if I view this thing from the right, I see the top view of a chick bent over. If I view from the left, I see the top view of a chick bent over giving me a BJ. So I ask myself…WTF? Why would a chick add one of these at the end of her sentence that says….I miss you! <3. Does she miss giving me head? Does she want it doggy style? We’ve never even had sex, let alone TALKED about it. Is this a sign? Is she throwing signals out there for me? Do I act on them? Hind sight…maybe I should have, just to see what would happen.

OR – it’s some code for wanting to have sex with me…think about it…’<3 is the ‘less than’ sign and the number ‘3’…so…less than 3. She wants us 2 (two) to get together. She wants to have sex! No?

If I use my imagination…I can see an ice cream cone that’s been licked down the center. <3 See it?

It’s a set of boobs huh? <3 Could be!

No, none of the above….I just found out that it is a heart. I guess it could be if you look at it just right. <3 But it has to be from the left. I’m not used to that. I don’t like it.

2 seconds dude...Just 2 seconds!!!!

I'M BACK!!!! Sorry It's been so long. TONS have happend in the past few months and things are settling back down to where I can write again. I'll do my best to keep up on this with a couple of stories a month for ya for now then maybe more later. During my hiatis, I've managed to have a few things happen that are worth blogging about. Here's one of them...enjoy!



My 15 yr old son got on this kick of wanting to make some salsa. He got on the interntet and found a bunch of recipies and was totally stoked about making it. So the following weekend, while out grocery shopping, we picked up all the fixins for the salsa except habaneros. The Wal-Mart we were at didn't carry them. So, we stop by the smiths and they didn't carry them either. Well, after that, we went home and dropped off the groceries and headed out again to find some. We stopped at 3 other grocery stores this Sunday afternnon looking for habeneros and nobody in the area had any. Nobody!!! I needed a Mexican market and the only one I could think of was about 5 miles away in our old neighborhood. After our 20 minute drive to this market we pull in and it is packed. I find a parking spot and pull in. As I'm pulling into this spot, my son farts. He rips ass in the car just before were getting out! What a dumb shit! 'That stink is going to sit and ferment in the car with the sun beating down on it until we get back! Couldn't you wait 2 seconds to get out of the car BEFORE you shit yourself! Fuck!' As fast as I can to avoid the stink, I pop the sun roof open just enough for air to get out, roll up all the windows tight, unplug my IPOD and stash it, unplug my cell phone and get out of the car, hit the door locks button close the door. 'I can't believe you just did that!' I told him. 'Just 2 seconds dude! Shit! You could have waited!' He laughs and off in the store we go. It's packed with people and loud Mexican music like were in some kind of Mexican club or something. Really crazy. We spend maybe 15 min in the store and we are out. As we are walking to the car, I'm searching for my keys. Nothing. Left pocket, right pocket, back pockets....nothing. 'You got my keys Jordan?' 'Nope' he says. Shit! I try the door and sure enough it's locked. I look inside on the seats and no keys. I look at the ignition and sure enough, there they are, hanging, looking at me...laughing at me. 'FUCK!' What to do?....What to do?....I notice my sunroof is open just enough for a finger to slide in, maybe I can get a wire hanger in there and hit the unlock button on the door with it. I first call the nearest person I now...my ex-father-in-law. 'Hey, you busy? I locked my keys in the car and I'm just up the street for you, can you run a wire hanger to me?' After he stops laughing, he manages to say, 'we don't have wire hangers.' then continues on with his laughing. He manages to settle down and we get done talking about suggestions and hang up. I decide to walk over to 'big lots' next door and buy a wire hanger. Jordan and I spend maybe 20 minutes looking around the small store for wire hangers then finally ask a worker where they are at. 'We don't carry wire hangers sir.' 'FUCK!' Since we were in the hardware area of the store I'm looking for something, ANYTHNG that will work. Jordan mentions he 'KNOWS' his window is down a couple of inches. He 'swears' it is. I said, 'no way. I made sure the windows were up! Look at the neighborhood were in! Full of crime here. No way am I going to leave my window down here! I'd be lucky if my tires were still on the car when we get back from buying something to unlock the door!' I end up buying a $3 mini-magnet on a flexible wire that will fit in the window he says is down and unlock it from there. It's only about 18" long. Just long enough to stick in the window and go straight down to the door lock button, then were in! We get back to the car and sure enough, the window is up tighter than a nats ass. I need a wire hanger. Just then, a Mexican pulls up and parks in the spot in front of me. He and his wife get out and he approaches my car. 'Jew lock jur keys n jur car?' he says. 'Yep.' I say. As he walks around the front of my car he hesitates and puts his hand on the hood of my car and says, 'zit runnin?' 'What?' I ask. 'Jur car...zit runnin?' 'Is my car running? No, it's the van next to us with the people in it. My car is not running.' I say. 'No' he says, 'Zits runnin! Feel it!' I put my hand on the hood and sure enough, I can feel the vibration of the engine. I put my ear to the hood just to make sure and sure enough...zits runnin! 'FUCK!' I've spent 15 minutes in the mexi-mart, another 15 on the phone with me ex-father-in-law, another 20 + in the store looking for a hanger, and now another 10 trying to get in! All in this crime infested Mexican neighborhood! FUCK FUCK FUCK! Now time is of the essence here. I call the next closest person I know. M. She has TONS of wire hangers. 'Hey, you busy? I have a little dilemma here.' I give her the rundown and after she stops laughing and calling me an idiot, she says she'll be right down with a wire hanger. 10 minutes later she shows up with the wire hanger she almost forgot to bring because she was in such a hurry to get out the door for me. 'THAT would have been just fantastic!' I said. 'Just my luck right now. Shit!' I straighten out the hanger and stick it through the sunroof and down to the door lock button. I stick the hanger in as far as it will go and my fingers through the little opening in the sun roof and the hanger is an inch away from the button. 'FUCK!' It don't reach. Shit! M says, 'give me that hanger! I got thin long fingers.' She lays down on the top of my car and sticks the hanger and her long fingers through the sun roof, and in seconds, hits the unlock button. 'You're my hero!' I say. 'I know,' she says, 'and you're my idiot.' 'I know.' 'Keep the hanger.' she says, 'you may need it again! hahah' 'Fuck off!' I say. The moral of the story here is don't shit yourself IN the car. Wait 2 seconds to get out and everything will be just fine. FUCK!

Update...

Ok - I'm a slacker, I know. Been awhile huh? Well, it may still be awhile before I get another blog up. I've started a second job and I am working basically from 7am til 11pm nearly every day. Getting old real quick. So, to hold you over, I'm goin to refer you to a previous blog that is totally relevant to todays happinings. I'm talking about the 4th of July partying plans.... Here it is...
http://ishouldnotdothis.blogspot.com/2007/07/i-have-dream.html

Now - just so you know, I'm going to pull a few stories out of my childhood out for ya for the next couple of blogs. Stories that me and my best friends had done. Like, what happens when you get 2 13 year old boys, a sledge hammer and a .22 bullet all in one place together? A coffee can, bricketts, gasoline and a lighter? Or, the need to keep my friend from moving, his backyard and a shovel? Maybe even something to do with a kid by himself kicking a soccer ball around and the need for one of my friends to go kick his ass for no reason at all. That was interesting...what a dumbshit.