“Dude…You’re just like me!”

Several years ago I used to live in a Townhouse complex and one of my neighbors was mostly deaf and partially blind and a little slow in the mental capacity. He was around 23 but acted like he was 13. We’ll call him Dulain. Dulain is a really nice guy. Do anything for ya. He lived across from me, so when he looked out his window, he could see me out in my patio. Whenever he saw me, he liked to come and over bull shit with me and see what I was doing. Whether I was fixing my motorcycle or fixing up the flower beds, he was there putting in his two cents worth because nearly everything I was doing, he had already done or knew how to do it because he had seen it on TV or saw somebody else do it. Just so happens, I was always doing it wrong.

One day, I was out painting my patio and Dulain walks over and starts in about how he needs to paint his patio. He sees that I have a 5 gal bucket of paint and a paint pan to dump it in and dip the roller in. He says, ‘Hey – you’re just like me!” I laughed said, “How so?” He says, “you dump your paint into a roller pan and paint that way instead of just dipping the roller in the bucket.” “No Dulain,” I say, “you’re just like the rest of the world. This is how you do it. I know there are people out there that just dip it in the bucket, but they sell these roller pans so you can roll the paint on the brush to get the paint on the roller evenly. That’s how it’s done. I’m NOT like you…at all.”

Another time I was out doing yard work and cleaning out my flower bed, moving rocks around…you know, typical summer Saturday morning stuff. Dulain wanders over and says, ‘Hey – You’re just like me!’ I laugh and say, ‘How’s that Dulain?’ he says, ‘doing yard work on Saturday mornings. I love to come out in the mornings on the weekend and get this stuff done. Especially on a great day like today. Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah…’ I say, ‘Dude – Unlike you….I work all week. Saturday’s and Sunday’s are the only days I have to do stuff around the house. So, I don’t really think I’m like you at all.”

Another one…I’m out barbequing burgers and hot dogs on the grill. Dulain, being the nosey neighbor he is, mosies his way over to my place and asks what I’m grillin. “Burgers and dogs” I say. “Dogs for the kids?” he asks. “Yep” I said. “Dude – you’re just like me. I cook up the good stuff for me and the wife, and the hot dogs for the kids. No since spending a bunch of money on food the kids won’t finish or even like.” “No dude, I’m not like you. My kids ASKED if they could have hot dogs in stead of burgers. Has nothing to do with money. I’m nothing like you.” He says, “Well, tomorrow night after I get my food stamp money, I’ll be cooking up some ribs for me and the wife and the kids can have whatever they want. Hot dogs, cereal, candy, hell, I don’t care. I’ll be fat and happy on my perfect ribs. Blah, blah, blah…blah blah, blah…”

“So, when you going to get a job Dulain?” “I applied at dominoes pizza to be a driver, but I need to get my license first.” The state took his license away when he got in an accident and the officer realized he was legally deaf and don’t have a hearing aid. “Dominoes has basically hired me, I just need to go get my license.” “When you going to do that?” I asked. “I’m just waiting for the state to send me some money to get a hearing aid. But I need to first go get tested and fitted for one. My sister just needs to get me down there to do it. You know her. Can’t depend on her for anything.” (that’s another story I’m not going to get into right now. God, what a train wreck.)

“So Dulain,” I ask, “Where’s your car?”
“No car.” He says, “It got totaled in the wreck.” “How you going to deliver pizzas if you don’t have a car?” “I got a buddy of mine that is going to sell me one of his cars for $200 as soon as I get my license.” He says. "You have $200 for a car?" I ask. "No, But after I get an attourney and sue the guy that hit me I should have it."

“So let me get this straight. You don’t have a job. You don’t have a car. You don't have money for a car. You don’t have a drivers license. You are deaf, and live with your mother-in-law and collect money from the state and your going to go by ribs with your food stamp money instead of food for your kids?” He kinda laughs and says “Ya - Oh, come check out my new barbequer I got from lowes on sale for $180!”

“Ya Dude,” I say “I’m NOTHING like you.”