Sticky Situation

My 13 year old daughter really wanted a pet of her own. I’m not talking a dog, or a cat. We have those. She was thinking something more like a rat or a snake. So, I took her down to the pet store to take a look at some of the snakes and rats and to get an idea on prices for them. After we were done, she was set on the idea of getting a small snake. Simple enough. I told her as soon as she got the tank set up for it, we would go pick it up. We already had a tank and stuff for it, just needed to set it up.

The next day, I get a phone call from her saying she got a snake. Her and her friend found a garter snake somewhere and brought it home. They found the tank I had and assembled it with a heating rock, sand, water dish and light.

Later that night, she calls me downstairs to help her with the snake. I’m thinking maybe she wants to hold it, or clean the water out or something. Maybe, it got out and she needs help finding it and putting it back.

I go downstairs and she tells me she thinks the snake is dead.
“Why would think that?” I said. “What is the snake doing?”.

She says “he is just laying there not moving. He is stuck to the tape.”

“Tape? What tape?” I said.

“The tape I used to cover the hole in the light cover.”

The light is a small fluorescent light for a fish tank. The cover for the light has a large hole in the back for a filter to fit in, maybe 1” wide by 6” long. She says the snake crawled up the cord for the heating rock, and out the hole behind the light. So to fix this, she got some tape out of my tool box (black electrical tape) and put multiple strips of it over the hole until it was all covered so the snake has no hole to get out of.

Putting on my CSI hat, this is my conclusion:

The snake worked its way up the cord and to the top where it got out last time, however, this time it tried to push the tape out of the way with its head, doing this to the under side of the tape (aka: sticky side). Logically, its head became stuck to the tape. (almost as dumb as a cat.)

Without having any arms or legs to use, the snake slithered its body up to the underside of the tape in attempt to pry its head off. In doing this, the entire snake had fallen victim to the stickiness of the tape.

The time of the incident is not known, as my daughter was not keeping an eye on the snake all day. However, it was discovered in the predicament a few short moments before I was notified.

At this point, I knew I had only two options.

1- Attempt to carefully peel the snake off the tape.
2- Ball up the tape with the snake lifelessly attached to it and toss it.

As I investigated the snake, I didn’t see any movement from him indicating any signs of breathing or life itself. However, I couldn’t just let my daughters pet she had put so many meaningful minutes into all be in vain.

So, being the good dad that I am, I put on my “Emergency Response Team” hat and went to work.

Starting with its head, I started to pull it away from the tape. As I did this, the tape held on to the skin of the snake. This was not good. I continued to pull hoping that maybe the tape would eventually let go. This was not the case. I figured the snake sheds its skin anyway, right? So I am just helping it along. Maybe a little pre mature to start shedding, but what do you do? The snake had to come off if it was going to have any chance at all.

Once the snake was completely off, I knew right then and there it was gone. However, I laid the body in the water with its head up on the heating rock and told my daughter to keep an eye on him to see if he moves at all.

After 30 minutes of checking in on him, I pronounced him dead. I figured this would devastate her, however, she is a tough kid and really didn’t have enough time to bond with the poor little sucker anyway. She just took him to the garbage outside and tossed him away like he was an old shoelace.

Since then, she has not mentioned a word about getting another one. Maybe she has had her fill, but I’m not going to ask.

I put my “beer drinking” hat back on and went back to life.

The moral of the story here is, be careful how you solve problems. You could find yourself in some pretty sticky situations if your not careful. (having arms and legs wouldn’t hurt either).

Dear God....

So - there is this really, REALLY, religious guy that works here. Not Catholic or Mormon. Not sure what he is, but it’s not any of the dominant religions. Not that it matters anyway, and he don’t push it on anyone. I didn’t even know until Dalton just told me this story…..

We'll call this guy Jeff. He is working on a project with D and they have a TON of work to do by Friday of next week. Jeff is really concerned how they are going to get all the work done by then. So, as he is in D’s cubicle, he asks D if he would join him in prayer to ask for help to get the work done on time.

D is not a religious man. His wife is Catholic, and she rarely goes to church. But D is not a part of it. He’s not against it, just not a part of it.

So to be nice, D obliges him and Jeff, right there in D’s cubicle (across from the company printer mind you) faces D, kneels down on his knees and grabs D’s hand and starts praying. Out loud. I commend the guy for looking to God for help. I do to, but not at work kneeling in front of a co-worker sitting in his chair and holding his hand.

As this is going on, D can barely contain himself. He is nearly busting out in laughter. Just then, another co-worker walks by…Darrel. He is about 50ish and very quiet with dry since of humor and don’t know D at all. Darrel, without slowing his walking pace down one bit, without missing a beat, grabs his print off the printer, glances over at Jeff kneeling in front of D, holding his hand, praying out loud, and says, “Do your spouses know you two have come out of the closet?”

Well, D lost it. He busted out and apologized to Jeff. Jeff looks up at D, still on his knees, face turning all red, and says, “I better go have a talk with him.”

This place is so damn funny.

What's in a name? Well let me tell ya!

Nicknames are fun to have. Sometimes, people have to do something and their friends give them a nickname for what they did. Here’s a good example…Jason (not his real name, mind you) was on a trip with a bunch of us friends and we all stopped at a little ma-pa restaurant to get some grub. Jason ordered a simple grilled cheese sandwich. He was asked if he wanted that on wheat or rye bread.

He said “White please.”

The girl replied, “we don’t have white. Wheat or rye?”

Jason was beside himself. “You don’t have white bread?”

“No” the 14 year old girl said. “we don’t have white bread. Wheat or rye?”

Jason was pissed. Gary said, “what’s wrong with wheat bread?”

“I don’t like wheat bread” Jason says, and he turns away and walks to the table with everyone else without ordering. And now, he is in a pissy ass mood.

Hey – if a 30 year old guy don’t like wheat bread, the guy don’t like wheat bread. I get it. Hell, I don’t like chocolate and haven’t eaten it since I was like 10! (I know…I’m not human.)

Gary then asks the girl if they serve burgers on wheat or rye only.

“No. We have white buns with seasame seeds on them. Would you like one?”

“No….” Gary says, “Get Mr. White Bread a slice of cheese, stick it on a bun and microwave it for 10 seconds and I’ll give it to him. And yes, I’d like a burger on a bun as well. Thanks!”

She smirks and goes about what she was told. Gary then brings Jason his lunch, and hands it to him saying: “here’s your grilled cheese ‘white bread’!”


Now, I have a nickname I have created, but I didn’t create for the intention of being a nickname for myself. It is more of a description of my birthday that I created similar to Christmas. However, friends have coined it as being my nickname.

Let me explain….

Christmas is an annual holiday that marks the birth of Jesus of Nazareth. Better known as Jesus Christ. The word Christmas is a contraction meaning “Christs Mass.” Christians are raised to try to be “Christ like”. Since I am Christian, I am trying to be “Christ like”. And what better way to be Christ like than to have a day like Christs? So, I have contracted my name “Larry” with “Mass” to get “Larmas”. This self proclaimed ‘holiday’ is celebrated on my birthday, June 16th.

Now keep in mind…I am not, by any means, trying to take anything away from, mock, or degrade the birth of Christ in any way shape or form. (see my disclaimer) I am simply trying to be Christ like and have my own holiday.

I don’t want to leave any religion out of my holiday. So, everyone is invited to celebrate Larmas in anyway they see fit for their own personal happiness and well being.

For those that celebrate Christmas by the exchanging of gifts, this is the rule:
When Christ was born, he got gifts. Now he is gone, everyone exchanges gifts with each other. This will happen with me as well. I get the gifts, and when I die, gifts will be exchanged.

Jews have the festival of lights that lasts for eight days. Eight days! This is insane! It is not fair that the Jews get over a week to celebrate as they see fit on Larmas. So, EVERY ONE gets to do what they want in anyway they see fit for their own personal happiness and well being for eight days!

These days are now defined as the Saturday before the 16th, to the Saturday after the 16th. (the last Saturday is commonly known to slip into Sunday morning nearly every single year – this is just fine, because….it’s Larmas and everything is ok on or around Larmas.)

Simple enough huh? Everyone is included. No matter the race, religion or education, when Larmas comes around, you can celebrate it anyway you see fit for your own personal happiness and well being for eight days.

This holiday falls at the perfect time of the year too. Right in the middle of the traditional Christmas’. This way, those of us in the northern hemisphere of the planet can celebrate a similar holiday in the summertime as the southern hemisphere gets the snow during the holiday. Perfect!

I would like to get this holiday known world wide so everyone benefits, and eventually we all can get a day off work (or 5) for the celebration. So, spread the word of Larmas to your loved ones and friends around the world!

Happy Larmas!

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