My 30th B-day party was quite the bash…
The day started out on the golf course where 8 of us gathered together for a morning round of cigars, beer and golf. 9am, out on the 3rd hole I shank 3 balls in the river. Not good. 5th hole, lost 2 more out of bounds. 6th hole, lost another out of bounds. 9th hole – a 400+ yrd straight shot and I kill it! Best hit of the day. Straight down the fairway, less than 100 yrds from the green with a clean shot ahead. My second shot, I kill it! Fantastic shot…30+ yds past the green. Shit! Didn’t get any better on the green either.
The best thing about that round of golf was hanging out with the guys, smoking the stogies. We all gathered at Todd's house (yes, his name has been changed to protect the innocent), later that night for a beer tasting contest. The fee to get into the party was a 6 pack of unique beer. We must have had at least 20 different types of beer there. Not to mention all the liquor for the non beer drinkers. (aka 'White Bread')
The BBQ lemon pepper chicken and steaks Todd and his wife made were to die for.
As the night moved on, we were all getting our lips on the different kinds of beer we had to prepare for the test. We had a lot of studying to do before the final exam just hours away. We all continued to kick the beers back and smoking on stogies all night.
Then – the testing began. My turn came up, and I knew I had this in the bag. I grab the first cup. Knock it back, and swish it around. Then the second…third, forth, I knew what all six of them were. That was a lot easier than I thought. I grab my cigar and my beer and stroll back out to the back yard as the next contestant strolled in. I was counting on winning the main prize. (whatever it was.)
Finally, after what seemed to be hours of deliberation, the results of the test were released. The little 22 yr old girl that don’t drink very much and don’t smoke cigars had all 6 right!
There's going to be a tie between me and her! I just knew it.
Now, I don’t remember if anyone else got all 6 right. I just remember I didn’t. I got a whopping zero! None if them! I was shocked. I wanted a recount. Maybe they screwed up my ballot. I didn’t leave any hanging chads. How could this be!?
Oh-well, where’s the leftover beer, I’ll drink it!
It was starting to get pretty late. The party was still in full swing. I go down to the bar and White-Bread offers up a shot of tequila. He and my wife (now ex-wife ladies) strong armed me into having one. I fought vigorously for several seconds, then the pressure got to me. I sent the rest of my beer down and grabed the shot. We all kick em back and mine went down very fast. I don’t really like tequila so I don’t drink it. Ever. And the events that came about shortly after reminded me as to why I don’t like it.
Just as fast as the shot went down, I felt it coming back up. I set the shot glass down and started scrolling through my mental notes as to where the bathroom was. ‘Just to the left in the hall’ I thought. As I turn to run, I realize there is a sink in the kitchenette that is much, much closer. However, this sick is behind to ladies who are engaged in conversation and oblivious to the fight that is going on inside me. I have to make a choice. The bathroom – nearly 20 feet away, or split the ladies and hit the sink a mere 5 feet away.
I hear the tequila inside me say, ‘The sink!’. Off I go to the sink. As I head in that direction (again, a mere 5 feet away mind you) I speak very politely to the ladies, ‘excuse me please.’ They both take a step back as I approach and it was a good thing they did, because the tequila thought that me saying 'excuse me' was the secret code for ‘ok – it’s clear! You can come out now!’ I had barely got to the ladies, still at least 3 feet from the sink when the tequila/beer/cake/chicken all started its journey out of me, thru the air, past the ladies and into the sink. I see the two ladies do what Keanu Reeves did in the Matrix. I was very impressed. I don't think they were.
I was told that one of them was about to put a chip in her mouth just as I had done this. After I parted them, she politely set the chip back down in the bowl and walked away. Literally with not facial expression at all. (maybe this is funny only to those of us that were there....)
About 2 minutes later, after the laughter somewhat started to settle, someone herded me into the bathroom and sat me in front of the toilet, where I continued my praying. It felt like days. Weeks, months. Holy crap I felt like shit.
After I picked up my stomach and some of my lungs off the rim of the porcelain God, I realized I had a mess to clean up in the sink. I wobble my way out there, and Todd had his bio hazard suit on and my mess nearly cleaned up. I said ‘sorry buddy, I can do that’ and he looked at me with the eyes of death and said, ‘I got it man, don’t worry about it’. But his eyes…they told a different story. One like..’you are never coming over to my house again you drunk bastard!’ I’m sure he will tell you different, but I felt so bad.
After that, I don’t remember a damn thing. I have no recollection of getting home or the entire next day. I all remember is everyone saying, ‘It’s not a party until Larmus pukes!’
All in all, I think it was a great party and I would like to thank those that cleaned up after me when I obviously couldn't. And I apologize for all that.
Party on!
Thursday, May 17, 2007
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Would ya get the door please!
A buddy of mine I work with told me some events that had happened between he and another co-worker here in the office that turned out to be a great little story. Yes, I’m going to share it with you…
The doors to our company which take up the entire 2nd floor of a 4 story building are always locked. All of them. So, when you come in after lunch, or to go out to the public restroom, you have to have your key to unlock the door to come in. These locks are not the electronic locks either. We’re talking conventional door knob key. If you forget your key, you knock and peek thru the side glass from the foyer in hopes someone is walking by on the other side that will hear you and let you in.
This buddy of mine..Dalton, was on a deadline on his project he was working on. So, needless to say, anything he is doing, needs to be done quickly to save time as to not miss his deadline. As he is in the office, walking down the main hallway with a bunch of papers in his hands ready for the delivery to another co-worker, he passes the employee entrance door and notices thru the sidelight window another co-worker (will call her Sharon) struggling to find the right key on her key ring to open the door while she is struggling to hold on to books and papers.
Dalton sees this going on as he is about to pass the door, and takes a step towards the door, because just for one brief second he was going to be a gentleman and go out of his way (all of an arms length away) to open the door for her. But Dalton refocuses on his task at hand and his duty to get the work passed off in a timely matter and passes on doing his God given duty to open a door for a lady. A struggling lady that is about to drop everything she is holding to find the damn key and unlock the door.
Their eyes meet just long enough for Dalton to look away and step up the pace down the hallway to make up the .02 seconds he just lost with the hesitation he made.
The slight hesitation Dalton made was very obvious to Sharon as Dalton would come to find out in the days to come….
The first incident happened a couple of days later. A company wide email was sent out announcing the company summer picnic at the local amusement park. The company will provide all you can eat lunch for everyone regardless of age, and 1 park pass for each member of the family. Any additional friends or relatives would have to pay a fee. So the company needs a count of how many family and how many friends.
Dalton replies with needing 4 tickets for his family. One for him, his wife and his 2 children.
After that email, a clarifying email was sent out to the company that simply said children under 3 are free. (emails are in red, my comments in parentheses)
Dalton replies with:
I will need 3 tickets.
Dalton (self)
'Spouse' (wife)
‘Boy A’ (son age 4)
Thanks,
Dalton
(because 'Boy B' -2 yrs old, is free now...right?)
Then another company email was sent out clarifying that if children under 3 wanted to ride rides, they would need to be counted as well. This is where the emails start between Dalton and Sharon….
Sharon:
To clarify tickets for 3 & under children:
Children 3 & under are free to get in AS LONG AS THEY DON”T RIDE ANY RIDES. Anyone that wants to ride any rides needs a stamp and tag on their wrist. So I will give you a ticket for your 3 & under if you want them to be able to ride. BUT, I will not be giving you a meal ticket for 3 & under, because they do eat for free.
Dalton:
Please add one ticket to my packet.
‘Boy B’ – age 2
Thanks,
Dalton
Sharon:
Is he your son?
(his original email stated 4 family members. Then he changed it to 3 members because the 4th was free, now that the 4th is NOT free, he needs to add one to his packet. What’s wrong with this lady?)
Dalton:
Yes, I have two sons.
‘Boy A’ – 4 yrs old
‘Boy B’ – 2 yrs old
Sharon:
If you want the two year old to ride more than the merry go round, I will give you two tickets.
(No shit!? What the hell do you think he’s trying to do here?)
Dalton:
Yes, I would like two child tickets.
Sharon:
So how many tickets do you need?
(are you kidding me!? She is really trying to get under his skin here…)
Dalton:
Me (one adult)
‘Spouse’ (one adult)
4 yr old son (one child)
2 yr old son (one child)
This is a total of 2 adults and 2 children. All of which are my immediate family.
Sharon:
Ok – thank you.
(did that actually make sense that time?)
The next day, Dalton and another co-worker were talking in the break room and Sharon came in. she looked directly at Dalton as she came in. Dalton said hi and she then looked to the co-worker and said Hi to the co-worker. Totally blowing off Dalton. (bitch!)
Stuff like that went on for over a week. Walking past each other in the hall and she would not even look at him. Even if he said hi. He has to work directly with her on some aspect of the projects, but she would not talk to him at all. Then finally, Dalton did something that changed Sharon’s whole outlook on him.
Another project deadline was nearing, and Dalton was finishing up his work in great fashion with plenty of time to spare. Sharon mentioned to Dalton that she didn’t have time to send information to the other office for their graphic designer to do a cover sheet for the project and asked Dalton if he could do something simple for her.
Dalton flew into action and did what he does best, with little or no effort at all. Took him no time at all. With time to spare, he showed her what he had done and she was shocked. Could not believe that he had that kind of talent. She said they didn’t get that kind of stuff from the graphic designer. No longer would they have to send stuff to her.
Dalton had noticed some pictures of her grandkids and child and started asking about them. She was all to happy to talk about them. Mentioned her son was in the military and has 2 purple hearts. Dalton saw this as an opportunity to have something in common with her, so he mentions his cousin that is in the military (that he never talks to) serving in Iraq, and how he was in the same vehicle as a news reporter while on TV.
Since then, all has been good between the two. She even went to the person that original referred Dalton to come to work there and said. “Thank you so much for getting Dalton to come to work here. It is so great to have him here!” haha – ‘so great to have him here’ she says. That’s a recovery if I ever heard one.
Thoughts of Dalton not opening the door will never cross her mind again. I’m sure in her mind, that event never happened.
Way to go Dalton! You’re my hero! You managed to save yourself a lifetime of regret, humiliation and daggers being thrown at you from Sharons eyes every day.
You da man!
The doors to our company which take up the entire 2nd floor of a 4 story building are always locked. All of them. So, when you come in after lunch, or to go out to the public restroom, you have to have your key to unlock the door to come in. These locks are not the electronic locks either. We’re talking conventional door knob key. If you forget your key, you knock and peek thru the side glass from the foyer in hopes someone is walking by on the other side that will hear you and let you in.
This buddy of mine..Dalton, was on a deadline on his project he was working on. So, needless to say, anything he is doing, needs to be done quickly to save time as to not miss his deadline. As he is in the office, walking down the main hallway with a bunch of papers in his hands ready for the delivery to another co-worker, he passes the employee entrance door and notices thru the sidelight window another co-worker (will call her Sharon) struggling to find the right key on her key ring to open the door while she is struggling to hold on to books and papers.
Dalton sees this going on as he is about to pass the door, and takes a step towards the door, because just for one brief second he was going to be a gentleman and go out of his way (all of an arms length away) to open the door for her. But Dalton refocuses on his task at hand and his duty to get the work passed off in a timely matter and passes on doing his God given duty to open a door for a lady. A struggling lady that is about to drop everything she is holding to find the damn key and unlock the door.
Their eyes meet just long enough for Dalton to look away and step up the pace down the hallway to make up the .02 seconds he just lost with the hesitation he made.
The slight hesitation Dalton made was very obvious to Sharon as Dalton would come to find out in the days to come….
The first incident happened a couple of days later. A company wide email was sent out announcing the company summer picnic at the local amusement park. The company will provide all you can eat lunch for everyone regardless of age, and 1 park pass for each member of the family. Any additional friends or relatives would have to pay a fee. So the company needs a count of how many family and how many friends.
Dalton replies with needing 4 tickets for his family. One for him, his wife and his 2 children.
After that email, a clarifying email was sent out to the company that simply said children under 3 are free. (emails are in red, my comments in parentheses)
Dalton replies with:
I will need 3 tickets.
Dalton (self)
'Spouse' (wife)
‘Boy A’ (son age 4)
Thanks,
Dalton
(because 'Boy B' -2 yrs old, is free now...right?)
Then another company email was sent out clarifying that if children under 3 wanted to ride rides, they would need to be counted as well. This is where the emails start between Dalton and Sharon….
Sharon:
To clarify tickets for 3 & under children:
Children 3 & under are free to get in AS LONG AS THEY DON”T RIDE ANY RIDES. Anyone that wants to ride any rides needs a stamp and tag on their wrist. So I will give you a ticket for your 3 & under if you want them to be able to ride. BUT, I will not be giving you a meal ticket for 3 & under, because they do eat for free.
Dalton:
Please add one ticket to my packet.
‘Boy B’ – age 2
Thanks,
Dalton
Sharon:
Is he your son?
(his original email stated 4 family members. Then he changed it to 3 members because the 4th was free, now that the 4th is NOT free, he needs to add one to his packet. What’s wrong with this lady?)
Dalton:
Yes, I have two sons.
‘Boy A’ – 4 yrs old
‘Boy B’ – 2 yrs old
Sharon:
If you want the two year old to ride more than the merry go round, I will give you two tickets.
(No shit!? What the hell do you think he’s trying to do here?)
Dalton:
Yes, I would like two child tickets.
Sharon:
So how many tickets do you need?
(are you kidding me!? She is really trying to get under his skin here…)
Dalton:
Me (one adult)
‘Spouse’ (one adult)
4 yr old son (one child)
2 yr old son (one child)
This is a total of 2 adults and 2 children. All of which are my immediate family.
Sharon:
Ok – thank you.
(did that actually make sense that time?)
The next day, Dalton and another co-worker were talking in the break room and Sharon came in. she looked directly at Dalton as she came in. Dalton said hi and she then looked to the co-worker and said Hi to the co-worker. Totally blowing off Dalton. (bitch!)
Stuff like that went on for over a week. Walking past each other in the hall and she would not even look at him. Even if he said hi. He has to work directly with her on some aspect of the projects, but she would not talk to him at all. Then finally, Dalton did something that changed Sharon’s whole outlook on him.
Another project deadline was nearing, and Dalton was finishing up his work in great fashion with plenty of time to spare. Sharon mentioned to Dalton that she didn’t have time to send information to the other office for their graphic designer to do a cover sheet for the project and asked Dalton if he could do something simple for her.
Dalton flew into action and did what he does best, with little or no effort at all. Took him no time at all. With time to spare, he showed her what he had done and she was shocked. Could not believe that he had that kind of talent. She said they didn’t get that kind of stuff from the graphic designer. No longer would they have to send stuff to her.
Dalton had noticed some pictures of her grandkids and child and started asking about them. She was all to happy to talk about them. Mentioned her son was in the military and has 2 purple hearts. Dalton saw this as an opportunity to have something in common with her, so he mentions his cousin that is in the military (that he never talks to) serving in Iraq, and how he was in the same vehicle as a news reporter while on TV.
Since then, all has been good between the two. She even went to the person that original referred Dalton to come to work there and said. “Thank you so much for getting Dalton to come to work here. It is so great to have him here!” haha – ‘so great to have him here’ she says. That’s a recovery if I ever heard one.
Thoughts of Dalton not opening the door will never cross her mind again. I’m sure in her mind, that event never happened.
Way to go Dalton! You’re my hero! You managed to save yourself a lifetime of regret, humiliation and daggers being thrown at you from Sharons eyes every day.
You da man!
Thursday, May 10, 2007
Cover the Crack!
We have all heard the slogan, ‘Say no to Crack!’…right? This is a great slogan. And we all know that it has turned into a term that we use when we see a plumber.
Nobody wants to see a guy bent over with his shirt crawling up the middle of his back, suspenders not quit doing the job intended, allowing the hair on his lower back that covers the path to his ‘grand canyon’, to pop out, making it obvious Mr. Plumber is strutting around as Mr. ‘Commando’ that day. Sick! Kinda funny, but sick. Even with his tighty whities hugging is 48 inch waist line hanging inches below the top of the ‘canyon’ he so proudly displays, it still is not a good sight.
I feel the same goes for women…for example….I was at the food court in the mall the other day looking for a place to eat. As I am strolling along the main walkway, looking for a table amongst the sea of people sitting and eating, I notice a slender lady sitting across from a girl about 5 yrs old. As I am walking past her, with her back to me, the crack she is displaying becomes extremely noticeable. The white hip huggers she was wearing had somehow pulled themselves down at least 3 inches below the top of her separation line with no barrier between the hip huggers and her showing. She was in fact, going commando that day. Now, one may think that guys would say that was hot. However, I am here to say that what I saw, was not hot. It was on the verge of disgusting. Here she sits with half her shit splicer showing itself to the main walk way in the food court while she eats with her little 5 yr old girl. Keep in mind, she was no whale by any sorts. Maybe pushing 90 lbs. Tiny thing. But what she had going on was not good.
Now, different situation….Say in your office you have an attractive woman reaching down in the supply cabinet for a ream of paper and her shirt rides up, along with her tiny g-string she is wearing. Now, that is hot. However, if there were no g-string, and that crevasse shows itself with no decoration to speak of, well to me, that’s just not right. The crack HAS to be covered. Whether it be with a tiny string, or a long trench coat.
Cover the crack!
Nobody wants to see a guy bent over with his shirt crawling up the middle of his back, suspenders not quit doing the job intended, allowing the hair on his lower back that covers the path to his ‘grand canyon’, to pop out, making it obvious Mr. Plumber is strutting around as Mr. ‘Commando’ that day. Sick! Kinda funny, but sick. Even with his tighty whities hugging is 48 inch waist line hanging inches below the top of the ‘canyon’ he so proudly displays, it still is not a good sight.
I feel the same goes for women…for example….I was at the food court in the mall the other day looking for a place to eat. As I am strolling along the main walkway, looking for a table amongst the sea of people sitting and eating, I notice a slender lady sitting across from a girl about 5 yrs old. As I am walking past her, with her back to me, the crack she is displaying becomes extremely noticeable. The white hip huggers she was wearing had somehow pulled themselves down at least 3 inches below the top of her separation line with no barrier between the hip huggers and her showing. She was in fact, going commando that day. Now, one may think that guys would say that was hot. However, I am here to say that what I saw, was not hot. It was on the verge of disgusting. Here she sits with half her shit splicer showing itself to the main walk way in the food court while she eats with her little 5 yr old girl. Keep in mind, she was no whale by any sorts. Maybe pushing 90 lbs. Tiny thing. But what she had going on was not good.
Now, different situation….Say in your office you have an attractive woman reaching down in the supply cabinet for a ream of paper and her shirt rides up, along with her tiny g-string she is wearing. Now, that is hot. However, if there were no g-string, and that crevasse shows itself with no decoration to speak of, well to me, that’s just not right. The crack HAS to be covered. Whether it be with a tiny string, or a long trench coat.
Cover the crack!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
